DIA

Lihat, cahayanya begitu indah di pekatnya malam. Begitu menyejukkan di panasnya hari. Aku tak tahu bagaimana jadinya jika tak ada dia, aku takut teramat sangat takut menatap gelapnya malam. Kegelapan yang seakan-akan ingin menelanku bulat-bulat. Aku tak tahu bagaimana jadinya jika tak ada dia, aku takut teramat sangat takut menantang panasnya dunia yang seakan-akan ingin melenyapkanku seketika. Tak tahu harus seperti apa aku mengucap syukur pada penguasa alam, aku tak pintar merangkai kata-kata untuk mengucap syukur pada-Nya. Kenapa? Apakah terdengar begitu berlebihan? Begitulah adanya, aku memang takut. Dia selalu ada untuk ku. Tak terkira kasih sayangnya pada ku. Cahayanya memang tak seindah cahaya bulan dan bintang di gelap malam. Juga, tak sehebat sinar sang surya di siang hari. Namun, cahayanya menyejukkanku dan menemaniku setiap saat di hari-hariku.

Apa gunanya cahaya bulan, jika nanti dia juga akan menghilang. Duniaku akan gelap kembali. Apa gunanya juga indahnya beribu cahaya bintang, jika mereka juga sering bersembunyi di balik pekatnya awan hitam. Apa juga gunanya aku berharap pada sinar matahari, jika kemudian dia meniggalkanku ketika hari berganti malam. Iya benar, aku mengakui keagungan mereka, namun aku lebih mencintai dia. Cahaya itu. Cahaya yang ada di dirinya. Cahaya yang tak akan pernah redup. Cahaya yang tak akan pernah mati. Cahaya itu adalah dia. Hidupku, dia adalah hidupku. Cahaya yang selalu menerangiku. Cahaya yang tanpa kenal lelah menerangiku. Cahaya yang rela mengorbankan segalanya untuk memberikan kesejukan dan kehangatannya padaku. Untuk hidupku.

Hai cahayaku! Lihatlah aku, disini. Aku disini menemanimu. Tidakkah kau lelah menerangiku? Tidakkah kau takut pada kegelapan di sekelilingku? Lihatlah aku, aku disini, disampingmu. Menemanimu. Tak akan pernah meninggalkanmu. Tak akan pernah. Karena kau adalah hidupku.

-NoveJuly-

NOWHERE

The world still sleeps when I creep down to the stairs. I step outside to the corner of the room; stare at the dusty old clock which is scratching on the wall. It is too early, earlier than I have ever been up before. No morning sunlight flood into this room. I try to roll up the curtain, see the heavy rain outside which have disturbed my sleep. It splashes the windows continuously. I feel the breath of the wind leads the trees dancing smoothly and happily. They are gently swaying and sprinkling the water. I gaze at them jealously; wish that I can be a part of them without feeling this bitterly cold place.

My heart races fast when I hear the sound of footstep near the door. I can hear the steps closer. I guess I know who she is after hearing the door slams behind her. She is soaking wet but I still smell her cheap perfume. My tears roll in my cheek, I stare at her face without any words.

“Go sleep! Don’t look at me like that!” said her angrily. Her breath reeks of tobacco and beer. She goes to the bathroom without looking at my face. “Please stop it, I beg you! Stop it please!!” I shout loudly. “This is my life, not yours!!” she yells and slam the door strongly. I hear the sound of water; I guess she starts to clean up her body. I cannot imagine how I can survive in this situation. I cannot stand still to see her face. I even never breathe freely in this musty place. Never.

The clock seems like run fast. The rain has stopped. The grass is still wet with early morning dew. I can still see the happy trees when the sun rises and spreads its warmth. The birds are singing and dashing on the top of them. I guess that all of them are enjoying the warmth of the world. Poorly, I can’t feel it. Even though the sunlight has filled this room, I can’t still feel anything.

“Where is mom?” That sound surprises me. I turn my head back and look at her pale face and unwashed hair. I do not want to open up my mouth.

“Is she with that man now? Or maybe with another man?” she asks me again and try to find that person in every corner of this place.

“She arrived home in early morning, but after that someone picked her up!” I answer her question in a flat voice. My tears drop.

“Huh, I guess I know with whom she is now. You should be clever as her. Is crying solve everything?” she hit my head strongly.

“Are you happy with your life?” I ask bitterly.

“Extremely fool question, look at me!! Don’t I look very happy with my life? I have a wealthy boyfriend, I can buy anything, I can go anywhere. Should I mourn over this life?? What a stupid girl!!” she thump the table angrily and leave me alone. My legs are trembling with fear. I cannot even look at her steps. She goes out and I absolutely know where she will go. Her boyfriend’s luxurious house.

My place where I spend the day and night cannot be called as a luxurious palace which can attract everyone to come here. It is not more than a musty shack, not interesting at all. But, it can attract many wealthy men to come. The disgusting men who want to feel another flavor of this world. I cannot even see their faces, how disgusting they are. The reek of tobacco or beer and the toxic smell of perfume are usually filled this place when they come. Yuck!!! I want to kick them one by one, break their hands and legs, take their eyes out, and throw them away. But, I can’t! Since they are important for my family’s life, I am forced to hide my feeling inside my sorrow.

I want to forget whatever I ever seen in every corner in this place. That nightmare usually disturbs my mind, always come to my daily life. Should I kill every stranger who comes to this place? I want to breathe freely, I do not want that nightmare follow me wherever I go. I can’t hold it anymore.

I decide to go outside and walk quickly, just follow where these feet want to bring me. Maybe nowhere. I can feel the fresh air flow smoothly touch my face. I enjoy to walk on the pavement where the other people make noise of conversation and gummy smile. I can also hear tone of mobile phone of some business women. How a crowded place, but it is better than where I usually spend my day. Even I feel freely to breathe the pollutant air here rather than in my house. I stand still a while, look around. Huh… How pity this beautiful city has a musty place like my house. I gaze at the long queue of cars in the traffic light. My gaze stops when I see a beautiful girl who dresses well in the luxurious white car. Her bright smile makes her face looks more beautiful when she talks with someone beside her. She lays down her head on the shoulder of someone who is driving that car.

Well, I can see it! I can see that she is happy. I can see how happy my older sister continues her own life by choosing this way. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand. My past comes to my mind like a slide show. I have already lost someone when I was still in my childhood. Someone who has filled my heart with hatred since he betrayed a woman who loves him very much. A bad man who has sent his family to this sorrowful life. What a worst father he is! And now, I know that I will lose someone who always wiped my tears and usually saved me when that bad man wanted to hit me. Someone who does not believe in love anymore since our pitiful life begin to start. My dream to hug her is gone as that car has gone away. I do not know where it picks my older sister and her boyfriend, maybe somewhere that they can continue their life freely, without people’ ridicule. A place where they can live happily when no one forbids them to have relationship in the same gender.

My steps bring this weak body to this lonely road, until the moon come to greet my pitiful face. Sometimes, that beautiful moon hides itself behind the dark cloudy sky. The light rain drops and wet my faded clothes. I cannot even run from the rain. Is the sky crying for seeing my self? No, it is not. It is a sign that I am the poorest person in this world. No one to share with, no where to go. This sorrow is more painful than the extremely cold weather which stabs my born. My step stops in front of an old house. I do not know why my feet bring me to this place. I can see the dim light inside that house as the sign there is someone there. I stand still in front of that house. Is that house can give me a smile even though just for a while? The wind blow strongly and slam the windows. The leaves fall down like want to bury my body which stuck for a couple of minutes. The splash of rain gently hit my skin. I cannot begin my step even though the wind starts to blow angrily. I cannot hold it anymore; I knock the door and see a beautiful woman opens the door for me.

“Come in!!” she speaks sourly. I stare at her beautiful eyes angrily. I can smell familiar disgusting perfume in this place.

“Can you stop it?? I beg you once again, I love you!” I ask her with trembling voice.

“Can you stop to ask me that thing? Come in and live like how I am living now or go far away like your sister do!” she shouts at me. I even have no choice to drive my own life. She leaves me and come to a disgusting man who is waiting her at the corner of this room. He stares and come to me, breathing alcohol fume all over me. Yuck!! I want to take his eyes out so he cannot look at a girl in that way.

“Come in and live with me or go far away and forget that you were ever born from a bad woman like me!!” she yells angrily.

I do not know how long I can live with hatred which fills all my heart. I have no dreams, no where to go. All is gone since I choose this way. I will never forget a little piece of things in this place, even every dust in this place. This nightmare will be buried only when my body is buried. What a fucking woman! She has send me to live like the way she is living. Doing everything is just for steal money from many disgusting men in this world. I hate even myself. Being totally alone without ever feel any love from a guy is the hell of my world. I never even feel a love from a woman who bored me to this misery world. Never.

-NoveJuly-

GELAS

Apakah kau tahu siapa aku? Tidak? Tak terlintaskah di pikiranmu untuk mengetahui siapa aku? Heh… lihat, kau bisa melihatku dengan jelas, bukankah aku ini nyata? Tidak? Kau masih tidak bisa melihatku? Baiklah, perkenalkan aku adalah gelas. Hmm… Kenapa? Kau tak percaya? Kau meragukanku? Ya, aku memang gelas, harus seperti apa aku meyakinkanmu. Aku adalah gelas, seperti itulah orang-orang memanggilku.

Disini, di tempat ini aku menghabiskan waktuku. Sudah hampir setahun. Awalnya, aku tak mengerti apa pun, aku hanya menjalani hari seperti apa adanya. Pasrah? Ya, mungkin bisa dikatakan seperti itu, aku pasrah. Tak ada yang berbeda di setiap hari yang aku rasakan. Semua sama saja. Namun, semua itu perlahan berubah seiring dengan perhatiannya pada ku. Kau tahu siapa dia? Tidak? Hmm, aku tak bisa mengatakannya, baiknya kita panggil saja dia pria tanpa nama.

Mungkin inilah yang disebut kehidupan. Begitu indah, senyuman dan tawa yang selalu ada sejak dia ada di hari-hariku. Begitu besar perhatiannya padaku, dan membuatku kemudian bertanya, apakah dia peduli padaku? Huh, kemudian aku menyadari bukan itu yang hendak aku ketahui. Bukan, bukan rasa peduli. Apakah dia menyukaiku? Hmm, bukan, bukan pertanyaan itu juga yang ingin aku ketahui jawabannya. Bukan. Pikiranku kemudian menerawang, apakah dia menyayangiku seperti aku yang kini sudah mulai menyayanginya? Ya, itulah yang ada di benakku saat ini. Sungguh, aku ingin mengetahui arti perhatiannya kepada ku.

Tapi, aku hanyalah sebuah gelas. Bagaimana mungkin aku bisa menanyakan hal itu padanya. Itu mustahil. Simpan saja semua pertanyaan ini, ya begitulah hatiku meyakinkanku. Kenyataannya, aku memanglah hanya sebuah gelas, aku menemani hari-harinya, namun aku tak bisa mengatakan sepatah kata pun padanya. Di tempat yang sama, aku hanya bisa termenung, memikirkan entah apa.

“Sadarilah siapa dirimu, jangan bodoh!” kata piring padaku. Dia mengagetkanku dan membuatku tersadar dari lamunanku.

“Sudahlah, aku tak mau mendengar kata-kata mu!” jawabku singkat.

“Kau memang keras kepala, apa yang kau harapkan? Bangunlah dari tidurmu! Aku bosan melihatmu seperti ini!” piring meninggikan nadanya dan membuat perasaanku semakin tak menentu.

“Dia peduli padaku, dia akan selalu ada bersamaku, itulah yang aku yakini!” aku mempertahankan pendapatku.

“Hei, sadarkan dirimu, kau seharusnya tahu siapa dirimu. Gelas, kau hanyalah sebuah gelas. Lihat dimana sekarang kau berada. Bukankah dia hanya akan datang saat dia memerlukanmu? Kemudian apa yang dia lakukan setelah itu? Menyimpanmu di rak itu dan menguncimu disana. Aku rasa kau tak terlalu bodoh untuk menyadari apa yang telah kau alami. Jika kau tak mengerti juga, aku pastikan kau adalah gelas terbodoh yang pernah aku temui.” Piring berkata panjang lebar. Aku hanya terdiam mendengar semua ucapannya.

“Tak usah bersedih, aku mengerti perasaanmu.” Kata Mangkuk yang sedari tadi hanya diam melihatku.

“Bukankah kau istimewa, bukankah kau menyebut dirimu wine glass? Sudahlah, bukankah kau tak sama seperti gelas-gelas yang lain.” Lanjut Mangkuk yang berusaha menenangkanku. Entahlah, aku tak tahu harus berkata apa. Sendok dan garpu menatapku, seakan-akan mereka tahu kepahitan yang kini aku rasakan. Aku masih terdiam, tanpa kata.

Aku merindukan dia yang dulu. Sungguh. Namun kenyataan yang ada membuka mataku dan menyadarkanku. Aku hanyalah gelas yang kini tersimpan rapi di rak miliknya. Ya, aku tidak terlalu bodoh untuk tahu bahwa dia akan datang saat dia membutuhkanku saja. Kemudian, melupakanku saat dia tak menginginkanku lagi. Tapi tetap saja, aku hanya sebuah gelas. Aku tak bisa mengatakan apa yang aku rasakan, kepedihanku. Dia tak akan pernah tahu. Yang dia tahu hanyalah aku akan selalu ada di tempat ini saat dia membutuhkanku. Dia tak pernah tahu kini aku telah berselimut debu. Yang dia tahu, aku adalah gelas yang kuat yang akan selalu ada untuknya. Bukankah aku ini adalah kaca?? Bisa remuk juga ketika aku sudah muak menghadapi benturan demi benturan dari kenyataan ini.

-NoveJuly-

Mr. Perfect

Marriage is one of some important parts of life that should be passed by every person in this world. Before we decide to get married with someone, we should consider about it wisely. We need to make a definite decision because this relationship should be kept until the end of our life. Everlasting marriage which consists of warmth, happiness and togetherness usually becomes a dream of every couple in this world. In order to make this dream comes true, we should think about the ideal marriage partner as the most important thing in a marriage. In my own opinion, ideal marriage partner is someone who makes me comfortable to choose him as a partner for my future marriage. So, this person is the most special one who will accompany me along my life. It is not a matter if I have some differences with my partner, the important one is we look at the same aim. Someone who has pure love for me and my family, has good characteristics, and has a good job become the most important qualities for my ideal marriage partner. These things should be considered before I take a decision to choose that man as my future husband.

Love is the most important thing that couple must have in a marriage. So, my ideal marriage partner has to have pure love for me and my family. I think it will be impossible that we can get happiness along the marriage without love. So, it makes me conclude that pure love is something that my partner must have in order to make me comfortable to be with him.  I will not blame whatever he does to make me believe that he has pure love for me, because I know that every man has his own way to show how deep he loves his woman. The other thing which is important is he has to love my family too.  For me, family is part of my self, so it is a must for my partner to love my family as well as he loves me. I believe that a marriage will not run well if our partner only loves us without caring or respecting our family. The warmth, togetherness and happiness can be felt if we can share everything in a big family. It should be an awareness that a husband should not only care about his wife but also his wife’s family. Whatever he does to show that he loves me and our family, I believe that my heart will recognize it is pure or not.

Marriage is a serious thing that we should consider before doing it. We must consider whether our partner has good characteristics or not. Good characteristics depend on point of view of someone. In my opinion, an ideal marriage partner must have honesty, responsibility, and loyalty as his good characteristics. It will be good if there is nothing hidden in a marriage. So, my partner and I should be honest to share or tell everything. We may not lie about just a small thing because it can be a big trouble later. So, honesty is like a foundation in building a strong marriage. Whatever it is, just say like what it is because a lie can only break our partner’s belief. In a marriage, responsibility also becomes an important thing because it means that my partner has duty to take care of me and our future family. So, he should have wise thought in order to direct me to the right one. As a man, he also should care about me as his woman and know how he should do to be a responsible man. Another important thing that my future partner should have is loyalty. It is like a string that can tie us each other. Both of us should keep a strong feeling of being faithful. This characteristic can prevent us of betraying our partner. It will be useless if he says the words “I love you” everyday but he also thinks about another woman. So, in marriage, honesty, responsibility, and loyalty have a same role in order to keep the marriage run well. These characteristics can be shown during our relationship. So, we can know who actually he is.

In addition, a good job also becomes important thing that my ideal marriage partner should have. It does not mean that he should be a general manager, doctor or something else which is assumed as prestige job. But, the most important is my ideal marriage partner is a mature one who work hard and love his job. So, it means that he concerns on one job which can give enough salary to fulfill daily needs. His awareness to work hard can show that he is responsible man who can care his future family. As we know that in marriage we have to live with our partner until the end of our life, so it is a must for us to have a job for surviving. In this world, money is very important because everything needs money. We cannot survive if we only have love. There are so many needs that we should fulfill later if we decide to get married with someone. For the example: if we have children, it will be our duty as parents to fulfill their need. In order to do that duty, good job can be a good solution. So, jobless man is not qualified as an ideal marriage partner because I believe that he has no responsibility to do his duty as a husband. So, we should consider wisely if we want to choose a man as our marriage partner.

In brief, ideal marriage partner is different between one person and others. It depends on our point of view. The most important is we should consider our marriage partner before we take decision to get married. The time when I take that decision is when I find Mr. Perfect who has pure love for me and my family, has good characteristics and has good job. It means that I have to have readiness to love him endlessly. Even I am not a perfect person but I will try to love him perfectly until the end of my life. I should share everything together because he is my partner in this life. It is not a trouble if we have some differences because we love each other and have same aim for our future. So, we should think that marriage is not a game and making consideration before take decision is really important to be done.

*) I have found Mr. Perfect :)