NOWHERE

The world still sleeps when I creep down to the stairs. I step outside to the corner of the room; stare at the dusty old clock which is scratching on the wall. It is too early, earlier than I have ever been up before. No morning sunlight flood into this room. I try to roll up the curtain, see the heavy rain outside which have disturbed my sleep. It splashes the windows continuously. I feel the breath of the wind leads the trees dancing smoothly and happily. They are gently swaying and sprinkling the water. I gaze at them jealously; wish that I can be a part of them without feeling this bitterly cold place.

My heart races fast when I hear the sound of footstep near the door. I can hear the steps closer. I guess I know who she is after hearing the door slams behind her. She is soaking wet but I still smell her cheap perfume. My tears roll in my cheek, I stare at her face without any words.

“Go sleep! Don’t look at me like that!” said her angrily. Her breath reeks of tobacco and beer. She goes to the bathroom without looking at my face. “Please stop it, I beg you! Stop it please!!” I shout loudly. “This is my life, not yours!!” she yells and slam the door strongly. I hear the sound of water; I guess she starts to clean up her body. I cannot imagine how I can survive in this situation. I cannot stand still to see her face. I even never breathe freely in this musty place. Never.

The clock seems like run fast. The rain has stopped. The grass is still wet with early morning dew. I can still see the happy trees when the sun rises and spreads its warmth. The birds are singing and dashing on the top of them. I guess that all of them are enjoying the warmth of the world. Poorly, I can’t feel it. Even though the sunlight has filled this room, I can’t still feel anything.

“Where is mom?” That sound surprises me. I turn my head back and look at her pale face and unwashed hair. I do not want to open up my mouth.

“Is she with that man now? Or maybe with another man?” she asks me again and try to find that person in every corner of this place.

“She arrived home in early morning, but after that someone picked her up!” I answer her question in a flat voice. My tears drop.

“Huh, I guess I know with whom she is now. You should be clever as her. Is crying solve everything?” she hit my head strongly.

“Are you happy with your life?” I ask bitterly.

“Extremely fool question, look at me!! Don’t I look very happy with my life? I have a wealthy boyfriend, I can buy anything, I can go anywhere. Should I mourn over this life?? What a stupid girl!!” she thump the table angrily and leave me alone. My legs are trembling with fear. I cannot even look at her steps. She goes out and I absolutely know where she will go. Her boyfriend’s luxurious house.

My place where I spend the day and night cannot be called as a luxurious palace which can attract everyone to come here. It is not more than a musty shack, not interesting at all. But, it can attract many wealthy men to come. The disgusting men who want to feel another flavor of this world. I cannot even see their faces, how disgusting they are. The reek of tobacco or beer and the toxic smell of perfume are usually filled this place when they come. Yuck!!! I want to kick them one by one, break their hands and legs, take their eyes out, and throw them away. But, I can’t! Since they are important for my family’s life, I am forced to hide my feeling inside my sorrow.

I want to forget whatever I ever seen in every corner in this place. That nightmare usually disturbs my mind, always come to my daily life. Should I kill every stranger who comes to this place? I want to breathe freely, I do not want that nightmare follow me wherever I go. I can’t hold it anymore.

I decide to go outside and walk quickly, just follow where these feet want to bring me. Maybe nowhere. I can feel the fresh air flow smoothly touch my face. I enjoy to walk on the pavement where the other people make noise of conversation and gummy smile. I can also hear tone of mobile phone of some business women. How a crowded place, but it is better than where I usually spend my day. Even I feel freely to breathe the pollutant air here rather than in my house. I stand still a while, look around. Huh… How pity this beautiful city has a musty place like my house. I gaze at the long queue of cars in the traffic light. My gaze stops when I see a beautiful girl who dresses well in the luxurious white car. Her bright smile makes her face looks more beautiful when she talks with someone beside her. She lays down her head on the shoulder of someone who is driving that car.

Well, I can see it! I can see that she is happy. I can see how happy my older sister continues her own life by choosing this way. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand. My past comes to my mind like a slide show. I have already lost someone when I was still in my childhood. Someone who has filled my heart with hatred since he betrayed a woman who loves him very much. A bad man who has sent his family to this sorrowful life. What a worst father he is! And now, I know that I will lose someone who always wiped my tears and usually saved me when that bad man wanted to hit me. Someone who does not believe in love anymore since our pitiful life begin to start. My dream to hug her is gone as that car has gone away. I do not know where it picks my older sister and her boyfriend, maybe somewhere that they can continue their life freely, without people’ ridicule. A place where they can live happily when no one forbids them to have relationship in the same gender.

My steps bring this weak body to this lonely road, until the moon come to greet my pitiful face. Sometimes, that beautiful moon hides itself behind the dark cloudy sky. The light rain drops and wet my faded clothes. I cannot even run from the rain. Is the sky crying for seeing my self? No, it is not. It is a sign that I am the poorest person in this world. No one to share with, no where to go. This sorrow is more painful than the extremely cold weather which stabs my born. My step stops in front of an old house. I do not know why my feet bring me to this place. I can see the dim light inside that house as the sign there is someone there. I stand still in front of that house. Is that house can give me a smile even though just for a while? The wind blow strongly and slam the windows. The leaves fall down like want to bury my body which stuck for a couple of minutes. The splash of rain gently hit my skin. I cannot begin my step even though the wind starts to blow angrily. I cannot hold it anymore; I knock the door and see a beautiful woman opens the door for me.

“Come in!!” she speaks sourly. I stare at her beautiful eyes angrily. I can smell familiar disgusting perfume in this place.

“Can you stop it?? I beg you once again, I love you!” I ask her with trembling voice.

“Can you stop to ask me that thing? Come in and live like how I am living now or go far away like your sister do!” she shouts at me. I even have no choice to drive my own life. She leaves me and come to a disgusting man who is waiting her at the corner of this room. He stares and come to me, breathing alcohol fume all over me. Yuck!! I want to take his eyes out so he cannot look at a girl in that way.

“Come in and live with me or go far away and forget that you were ever born from a bad woman like me!!” she yells angrily.

I do not know how long I can live with hatred which fills all my heart. I have no dreams, no where to go. All is gone since I choose this way. I will never forget a little piece of things in this place, even every dust in this place. This nightmare will be buried only when my body is buried. What a fucking woman! She has send me to live like the way she is living. Doing everything is just for steal money from many disgusting men in this world. I hate even myself. Being totally alone without ever feel any love from a guy is the hell of my world. I never even feel a love from a woman who bored me to this misery world. Never.

-NoveJuly-